All That Remains Read online

  Her breath catches at his declaration, even as her mind screams at her to run before he breaks her heart again.

  “How do you do it?” he asks as he backs away to give her room.

  “Do what?”

  She notices his eyes flick to her arm. The sadness in his face is unbearable. She recognizes the guilt in that cursory glance, because it’s the same look she used to wake up to every morning after the tornado when she blamed herself for ‘allowing’ Tanya to die.

  “You live with the physical reminders of that wreck every day, and yet you stand here and talk to me. You have every right to punch me and hate me, yet you’re asking me to stay?”

  The tension of his question is broken by the sound of someone calling her name. “Jules?”

  She turns to see Levi walking up the street with a few friends in tow.

  “Damn it,” she mutters to herself at his poor timing. They’d made plans a few days ago to meet up at the party tonight. She never thought for a moment she’d run into West.

  “Everything okay?” Levi asks, his steps quickening and West stiffens as he steps aside, his face already adopting that blank façade of someone who doesn’t care.

  She waves towards Levi to stop him and responds hastily, “Yeah. I’ll be right there.”

  “West?” she asks as he bends to pick up the keys he dropped earlier.

  “You should go, your date is waiting,” he hints. “I’ll see ya around.”

  She stares him down for a moment and he crosses his arms across his chest. “Just go, would you?”

  She nods and lifts her left arm, her finger tapping her tattoo as she speaks.

  “You see this? I did this when I thought I hated you, months ago. When I was so angry I thought I needed something to help me forget. Except, the truth is, I didn’t do it to forget you; I did it to remind myself that I never once hated you.” Her voice breaks as she adds, “Never.”

  Spinning on the sole of her shoe she hurries to the sidewalk where Levi is waiting, a curious look upon his face, and they head back to the party together without a backward glance.

  West

  Watching her walk away with another guy, after the conversation they’d just been having, feels as if someone has ripped the heart from his chest and is stomping on it.

  Stupid! he chastises himself as his gaze follows her and her friend, Levi. Levi slows his pace, placing his hand on her lower back as she walks in front of him, and they disappear around the corner of a house.

  The moment West saw him, he recognized him as the guy from the Hole last week with Jules.

  You’re such an idiot, he yells at himself between curses as he climbs into his truck. Her last words are like nails on a chalkboard; they make every nerve in his body itch and curl. They irritate his soul because she doesn’t hate him. She never hated him and he let her walk off with another guy.

  He spends two minutes contemplating going after her. He allows himself to visualize telling Levi to get lost and dragging her to a dark corner to beg her to listen. The scene morphs to one where, instead of talking, he kisses her senseless first and then begs her to listen to his explanations. He smiles, this visual a much more accurate scene of what he would do if he had the guts to get off his ass and go after her.

  “Damn it!” He slams his palm on the steering wheel and throws his truck into gear; his tires squealing as he peels off down the road.

  Twenty

  Jules

  Jules is sitting in the commons area on the second floor of Ward when Katie steps off the elevator, her hands filled with packages and mail. Sliding her books to the chair, she jumps up to help her best friend.

  “Thanks,” she murmurs, nodding at the white box in Jules’ hand. “That’s for you, actually. It was at the desk downstairs.”

  “For me?” She looks at the return address and sees that it’s from home. “It must be the shirt and books I left at home last time I was there.”

  She follows Katie to their room and tosses the box on the bed. “What do you have in those?” she asks, nodding to the grocery bags hanging from Katie’s fingers.

  “Provisions.”

  “Provisions?”

  “Movie night, remember?”

  “Movie… oh shoot! It’s Tuesday. I totally forgot.”

  The girls had agreed they would start implementing Tuesday night movie night in the room. Just the four of them - Cassie, Jess, Katie, and Jules. Tonight was supposed to be the first night, but Jules’ mind has been so occupied with West and Levi the past few days that she’s forgotten all about it.

  “Dang, K, I’m sorry. I wasn’t supposed to get the movie, was I?”

  Katie shakes her head, her blonde bob bouncing to and fro as she dumps the popcorn and candy onto her bed. “Nope. Cassie is getting it tonight. Although,” she looks about and lowers her voice, “I’m a little worried what she might make us watch. That girl barely ever cracks a smile; I imagine she is going to make us watch some black and white Indie film with sub-titles about saving baby sea lions or something.”

  “Sea lions?” Jules laughs at the absurdity and returns to the commons area to grab her books.

  * * *

  It’s early afternoon the next day before Jules remembers the package she’d thrown on the floor last night as they piled on her bed to watch ‘Ever After.’ Katie and Jess had been shocked at Cassie’s pick, their chins dropping to their chests.

  “I figured you two must love all this fairytale BS,” she explained, giving Katie and Jess a disgruntled look. Jules had only groaned a little on the inside. Sweet perfect love was something she wanted to watch about as much as Cassie she guessed, but she smiled and giggled at all the appropriate moments and thankfully when her tears started to roll, she was able to cover them because Katie and Jess were crying right along with her.

  The silly sentimental saps! she thinks as she tears the cardboard strip from the box from home.

  Emptying the contents on her bed, she’s confused when a large envelope falls out along with her favorite shirt and a book she’d meant to grab last time she was home. Picking the sealed envelope up, she registers the weight in her hands as she flips it over, seeing the postage and how it’s addressed to her. Her eyes flick to the return address and her pulse quickens.

  Crestdale Victory Center, Houston.

  Her hand trembles for no reason at all as she stands there and stares at the burgundy logo and then back at her name and address. The script is feminine and not one she recognizes. Shaking her head at her silly behavior, she grabs a pair of scissors and cuts through the clear packing tape the sender used to seal the top of the envelope. As if she’s expecting something to bite her, she pops the mouth of the envelope wide and looks in before sticking her hand in. When nothing jumps out at her she pulls out a bundle of paper. The sheets are ragged at the edges, some with the torn edges of a spiral notebook, and they’re stacked together with a rubber band around the center. On the top of the stack is a sheet of clean, white computer paper with the simple words:

  You should know.

  Sweat breaks out above her brow as Jules flips the envelope back over and matches the penmanship of the note to that of the sender. Crawling onto her bed, she leans against the wall and pulls the rubber band from the pile, removing the top sheet. The moment her eyes take in the first page, she no longer wonders where this package came from. West’s bold script is right there for her to see.

  Jules,

  Tomorrow I meet with Dr. Steel one last time. It’s my get out of jail meeting.

  Finally.

  I have to admit, I’m scared as hell.

  She stops reading, tucking her knees up to her chest and setting the stack on her thighs. As she sifts through the stack, she sees each piece of paper is a different letter to her, some short paragraphs and others spanning the course of multiple pages. Some of the pages have dates and a few are folded and crumbled, as if he stuffed them in his pocket, or had thrown them away.

  A quick glance a
t the clock reveals she has another hour before any of the girls will be back from their afternoon classes, so she flips to the first letter again and takes a deep fortifying breath before she dives in.

  I’m scared as hell of going back home and what I will find when I get there. Are you still there? Do you understand what I did? Why I didn’t respond to your calls?

  Do you miss me, love me, hate me…

  Do you feel indifferent and we’ll be like old friends who once knew each other and now just pass on the street?

  Please say no! Tell me that no matter what happens we will never be like that. I don’t want to pretend I don’t know you, that I didn’t love you once and hold you in my arms… that those months, as short as they were, weren’t the best of my life.

  I can’t do it, Jules. I just can’t. I can’t pretend I don’t love you. I will always love you. It’s impossible to not love you. Impossible to think of what we went through and chalk up every kiss, every smile, every touch to a so-called normal teenage crush.

  A freaking crush, a traumatic experience… this is the crap they’ve tried to feed me in counseling. Bullshit!

  I don’t care if you ever tell me you love me again, I will love you… I’m coming home and I’m going to prove it to you. I just hope you will give me the chance…

  West

  Jules sets the letter next to her and immediately begins the next. It’s dated March and goes into random details about the weather, about a counselor who won’t listen, and how much he wants to come home. Page after page, word after word, she reads through West’s thoughts; both clear and rambling. The stack is out of order numerically, but it’s clear that no matter what date he wrote she was always on his mind. There are a few that are void of anything but scribbled lyrics and doodles and then there are longer, tortured letters where she can feel his hatred towards himself for the wreck. None are quite as full of declarations of love as the first one she read, until she gets to one dated December seventeenth. That would have been a few weeks after he left. There’s no salutation and the words are messier, the thoughts jumbled together, unlike most of his other letters.

  I think I made a mistake, Jules. I’m sorry! I was stupid, I should have stayed, and I should have seen you before leaving. I should have fought for us. I should have told your parents the truth, but I wanted to protect you.

  I miss you

  I miss you

  I miss you

  The words are written in blocks down the page and Jules heart clenches.

  You’re everything to me. Everything and I walked away. I walked away, but I did it for you. I hope you know the truth by now. Carson told me you’re awake, that you’re going to be okay. Jeff gives him all the details. It’s the only time I take a call from them, you know. Updates on you, that’s all I care about right now.

  Six months and I’ll be home and hopefully you will listen to me explain.

  The letter only confuses her. Tell her parents the truth? What truth?

  “What am I missing?” she mumbles out loud as she shifts and lays the letters on the bed. She starts spreading them out looking for dates or words that stand out to get the whole story.

  Tears are streaming down her face when Katie walks in sometime later.

  “What’s wrong?” she cries, rushing into the room when she spots Jules hunched over the bed still pouring through the letters. “What are you doing?”

  Jules lifts the first letter she read, the last one West wrote, as she wipes her face with the back of her hand.

  “West wrote me letters.”

  “Wrote you letters? When, where did these come from?” she asks, falling to the floor and kneeling next to Jules.

  Jules thrusts the letter at her best friend and tries to explain through her shaky breaths. “He wrote them at Crestdale, the facility he went to, and I got them from home today. Someone mailed them to me two weeks ago.”

  “I -” Katie starts to speak and then closes her mouth as she reads the letter Jules handed her. “Oh, this is … wow,” she admits, her face melting like Jules heart did when she reads the words.

  “All of them, K. It’s like he wrote to me every day. Some are completely crazy and random notes about the strange patients there and the trees in the courtyard, but others are beautiful. He never stopped thinking about me all this time.” She stops and Katie pulls her into a tight hug, causing Jules to cry harder.

  “You tried to tell me -” she hiccups into Katie’s hair. “You and Austin. God, even Mindy tried to tell me to let him tell me the whole story and I wouldn’t listen.”

  “Hey, don’t do that.” Katie pushes her away lightly and gives her a stern look. “Don’t blame yourself. He never had to cut you out, Jules. He could have called. He could have mailed these. He should have mailed them. What you did is understandable.”

  “But he loved me!”

  “And you loved him! You loved him and he cut you out when you needed him.” Katie’s points out again and Jules nods.

  She felt the same way about what West did until the moment she saw his words pleading her to forgive him. Those words washed away all of her anger and now she wants nothing more than to see him. She wants to find him and tell him she needs him and loves him, too.

  “Where’s Jeff?” She jumps up excitedly and grabs her phone. “Or Austin? I’ll call Austin.”

  Katie gets up slowly. “They’re at practice. They won’t answer.”

  “Damn!” Jules checks the time, knowing practice will most likely run for another hour.

  “Jules, calm down. You’re acting like a mad woman. What do you want to do?”

  “I need to see him, Katie. I need to talk to him and I don’t have his number.”

  “Can’t you wait? I can get it from Jeff in an hour or so when he gets out. We were gonna get some pizza anyway. Come with.”

  “Come with? Are you kidding me? I can’t wait another day!”

  “Fine, fine. Chill out and let’s wait an hour. You can wait an hour, can’t you?”

  Throwing her bag over her chest and grabbing West’s letters, Jules sorts the stack and stuffs them in the over-sized purse. She goes to the bathroom, as Katie tries to talk her into sitting down, and she runs her fingers through her long hair. Her eyeliner is smeared under her eyes and she wipes at her face knowing that nothing short of a good face washing is going to help sort her splotchy, tear-stained face.

  “Jules!” Katie finally grabs at her arm and hauls her to a stop.

  “Don’t you get it, K?” She pulls her arm free and holds Katie’s gaze. “He tried to talk to me at the party that night I was with Austin, and then the vigil, and then he called Austin and I answered. God, he tried to talk to me Saturday, then Levi showed up and he shut down. We keep getting our signals crossed and I don’t want to wait another minute to make this right. I need to know what happened with my parents and I need -”

  “He’s playing football at Freemont.” Katie admits, interrupting Jules.

  “He’s what!”

  “The guys made me swear not to tell you. I figured you’d hear by now or West would tell you himself. I never thought you’d be able to get almost five weeks into the season without knowing.”

  “How? I don’t -”

  “It’s why he’s at Freemont instead of A&M. They picked him up and he’s starting QB. He’s good too, Jules. Just like back in middle school.”

  “And you didn’t tell me?” Jules accuses her best friend, irrationally angry at her for keeping something this huge a secret.

  “He didn’t want you to know, I promised.”

  Stepping back, Jules shakes her head. “Keep Jules out of the loop - that was the goal from day one. If someone had told me the truth after the wreck, all…”

  “I know, I’m sorry. He’s probably at practice, you know. It’s only thirty minutes. If not, you know where he lives. Stalk him.” Katie shrugs, offering an apologetic smile.

  “Seriously, Jules, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I really didn’t
think it would take him this long to tell you himself.”

  “He did it for me.” All the conversations she’s had with West since she first saw him, the way he stepped back because of Austin. Even the way he stepped back the other night when Levi showed up. It was West doing what he thought she needed. She knows this irrevocable truth without even speaking to him, because just as his letters said, he did everything for her. “He did what he thought I wanted. He still thinks I should hate him.” She opens their door, grabbing her keys from the hook and turning to Katie with a smile. “I guess it’s time I make sure he knows that’s the furthest thing from the truth.”

  Twenty-One

  Jules

  The thirty minute drive to Freemont’s campus is unbearable as Jules’ head keeps replaying the words she read in West’s letters. She thinks back to their time together, back to the stolen moments they used to share when they were both still in shock from the tornado and neither of them knew how to deal with it. She remembers the way he would walk up behind her at the funerals and slip his hand into hers without a word. As she drives she wonders how he could seemingly give up on a love like that.

  She follows the signs pointing to the small stadium on campus when she pulls in. Freemont isn’t a bad school, but it’s much smaller than A&M and soon she’s parking her car in the lot next to the gym facilities on campus, two rows behind a shiny black truck she is pretty sure belongs to West.

  It’s close to three in the afternoon and she sees a crowd of players standing in a huddle on the field from where she sits. Smoothing her hair one last time, she slips out of her car and crosses the parking lot keeping her eyes on the players.

  Most of them have pulled off their pads and their helmets are on the ground at their feet. Jules nears the open gate to the field and looks into the stands by the entrance to see a small crowd watching the players. She’s surprised. Practices at A&M are closed and entrance to the field is virtually impossible since all of the gates are locked; you have to be a player, coach, or assistant to get in.